Rape
Elie
My life has been one long drawn nightmare. All the memories keep replaying like they’ve just happened yesterday. No matter what we do, there are some memories that we never forget.
My father was a very strict man. My mother was a housewife. My father was in many ways very caring and loving, but at times his temper would flare and he would take his anger out on his family. He would beat us, strangle us, attempt to drown us in the bathtub, and even sometimes throw us from our first floor balcony down to the ground. He kicked, punched and stomped me until I was 17. I’d go to school bruised and wounded, and every time someone asked, I’d have to think up a different excuse. As a child, I used to think he’d torture us because we have done something wrong. But as I grew up, I realized he made us his punching bag because he needed to release his tension. He never smoked or drank: he was simply a violent, angry man. But even getting beaten up was better than witnessing my mother gets beaten in the same way. My mum was a homely and quiet person. She would get hit mostly because she tried to stop him from hitting us.

The infamous sick fuck from Klang who once sparked global outrage when a video of him abusing two young kids was published in Facebook.
Sadly, this was only one aspect of my childhood. Along with getting beaten, I was sexually abused multiple times during my childhood. When I was 5 and 6, my auntie’s son, who was in his early 20’s, stayed at my house for a short time. Whenever I was home alone with my cousin, he would touch me. His touches led to more actions, and eventually he forced me to perform oral sex on him. His explanation was that this was the way cousins show their love for each other. When he moved out, his brother molested me for almost a year. I never understood what was happening. I have never been told not to let anyone behave this way towards me. I didn’t even know what was happening was wrong.
As the years passed, I tried to bury my memories of my sexual abuse. But when I was 13, it happened again. My mother’s youngest brother-in-law began living at our house. He was a pervert, and our whole family knew it, but nobody ever expected he’d prey on his own family. But he did. One day, I came home from school early because I was feeling sick and feverish. I took the bus home, and had the house to myself. I took medicine and immediately fell asleep. Suddenly, I was awoken from my sleep by a terrible, almost unbearable pain. I then realized I was lying naked in my bed with someone on top of me. By the time I fully realized what had happened; my uncle was through with me. I pushed him away and locked myself in the bathroom. I panicked: I did not understand what happened.
At that age, all I knew about sex was it is something adults do, and should only do after marriage. After my family came home, I felt safer and went back to my room. There was blood on my sheets. I could barely sleep that night because of the pain in my body. I told my cousin the next day what had happened. She begged me to not tell anyone, believing that if I told, it would surely split my family up. She told me I would only humiliate myself. I convinced myself not to tell anyone. I didn’t want my parents to feel like they had failed to protect me. I kept quiet and started to avoid my uncle completely.
But one day, I was late to school. I had no choice but to ride with him. Halfway through, he began asking me questions about that afternoon he raped me. He asked if I enjoyed it. He told me he should be teaching me how to do it, and that it could be our little secret. I was trying so hard not to cry. I did not want to look weak in front of him. When we reached the school, he gave me RM5 and told me to ‘keep it for the night’. It was if my virginity was worth only RM5 to him. I tore it up in front of him and ran to school. Once at school, I broke down. I told my friends what had happened and asked them to keep it secret. They back-stabbed me and spread it around not only to our school, but to other schools nearby.
At the end of the year, my uncle moved out. We went to visit him for prayer one day. That night, as I was dosing off to sleep, I suddenly felt someone reaching for my thighs. It was him. I screamed for help, and he got scared and left. A few days later, he told his wife that I had asked him for sex multiple times. I still cannot believe that everyone, including my own mother, believed him instead of me. They beat me up very badly, and since them, all of them have treated me cheaply. I felt like I was growing up an orphan within my own family.
A year later, my father hit my mom so hard that I finally broke down and filed a police report, but my mother refused to go along with it. She didn’t want to raise a family without a husband. My father felt as if I had betrayed him, and ever since then he’s treated me coldly. When I was 17, he hit me so hard that I passed out. When I woke up, he hit me again and again. He hit me until I was unrecognizable. I ran away from my house on the 1st of March and after a while, I returned after I made sure my dad promised he would never do that again.
To add to my woes, year 2012 I was raped by a childhood friend. He raped me in his car, and I gave into him, thinking that this is how it will be for the rest of my life. All I could think at that moment is why every man I thought I could trust turn out to be the one that hurt me most? After this incident I thought I was pregnant. Even though I have always been against abortion, I considered doing it. Thankfully I was not pregnant, but that moment made me realize I had to do something. I contacted WCC, seek counseling, and finally realized that none of this was ever my fault. I’ve learn to stop blaming myself, letting myself think that I’d brought this all on myself, when really I was too young to understand. I grew up in pain, but I’ve learned now that there are ways to overcome it.
At the same year, I had a surgery for an ovarian cyst and after few days of being discharged, my dad had lost his temper over something at home and hit me and my mum. He hit me right at my surgery spot that I fear things will go worse, and I fled without anything at all except for the clothes I was wearing. Not even shoes. I went to a friend’s house stayed overnight and went to WCC the next day.I didn’t lodge a report but I refused to come back home, and stood against my dad and told him off, with everything I could that I will not tolerate his beating towards me nor my mum and if that’s how he’s going to be, he will lose me! He still wouldn’t admit his mistake and justify that he grew up that way and nothing is wrong with beating.
After some time, he promised WCC he wouldn’t do that, and that he will not ever repeat and I made sure he understood if it happens again, I will lodge a report on him. He has been a great dad, he put through all his efforts into educating me, and giving the best he could for us, but his temper is not justified by that. I wanted him to understand that what he did is wrong, that if my future husband was to do the same to me, how would he accept that? Since then he has not done anything to us, and I’m proud to say he is a changed man.
Earlier this year, I’ve joined a local college to pursue my law degree and was sexually harassed by a lecturer who is involved in politics. He had come to acknowledge my past experience and thought of taking advantage on me multiple of times, indicating he will grade me based on how I perform with him. When he realized I had come to a point that I refused and stood up against him and that I’ve discussed with a family friend who’s also an inspector, he took all measures to mess up with my studies that I decided to quit, not because I don’t want to voice out but my family was worried of my safety and also the effect that I would encounter in future. I really felt loss after so much of struggle in my life, because my studies is the only reason I’m still fighting this battle and I believe that one day, I could make a change in many children’s life, with my own experience itself.
For the first time, I decided to just go away even from my love ones, just to be on my own. I left my family and friends and took some time off, and came back after I actually could think sense. The rage that I had in me, I could easily just say I didn’t think I would be able to pick myself up then. But I did. Because I know, none of this was my choice, that none of this was my mistake. It’s hard but I just get up every morning, and say to myself, smile because you can, and you will not let anyone see the worst part of you and judge you. Many have told me that my smile can easily make their day, but I wish I could say the same, because my smile is just a mask, and I’ve lost all sense of trust and faith in myself. I keep on living though with one thing in my mind, I only get stronger with this pain. I’ve stopped praying for many years at one point as well, I just don’t see what I did to deserve this at such a young age. No one deserves this at any age! No one at all. Many had fallen into the worst path of life over this type of abuse. I’m just one of those who managed not to, and I wish I can save as many as I can in future.
At one point, I thought I would just end up as a prostitute after what my childhood friend had done to me. But instead I put all of my energy into my studies. Now, I am currently waiting to join in another law school. I will be finishing my degree in 3 years hopefully. I hope to be a part of a woman’s organization to help find peace and justice for women who have been in the same boat as me.
For now, all I can say is that we much each take each step steadily and never let our faith in ourselves shatter. I can say now that I’ve started to pick myself up. I’m proud of myself for overcoming my traumatic experiences, and not letting my past overtake my life.
Elie
I’m speechless. Tears in my eyes. Can’t imagine what this lil girl went thru. Felt like u just woke up from a nightmare. May god gv her lots of strength after what life has put her thru. Hope she succeeds in life here after. Wish u all the best sis. My prayers with u.
such a strong woman! Feel sorry for what happened to you.. way to go… a lot to learn from your experience…! yet to understand why there are such pervert men out there… DAMN!
Heart goes out to you girl, you’ve come this far, fight it further. For the rest of the sufferers out there, esp those bound by so called family reputations, please come forward and report the perpetrators to the authorities, as you know, there will be many more victims if you don’t report them. Even if you suspect someone is being abused, call talian Nur if its a child and police.
Lol..laughed so hard.I know this girl in person and she’s an attention seeker. It’s a big fat lie.wake up everyone.she repeated 1st year law 3 times and still crapping here.
She is a survivor. Whoever thinks this is a lie let it be, some mens are animals
even though my past is not as bad as hers, but i did encountered sexual harassment during my college which eventually made me to drop out from the college. to be honest during that time, i felt like im worthless since im no more a virgin.i wasnt lucky enough to get a good counselling because the counsellor i went to said that im equivalent to a prostitute since more than 1 guy raped me. but god did not let me down. i survived n currently pursuing my tertiary studies at an IPTA. yet the pain of the past haunts me every single day. i thought i could leave my past and start a new life . but it kept coming back…. its been 5 years since the incident but eventhough i wasnt in the fault, my situation was twisted whereby now everything is my fault. now, after reading her story, i hv new hope to lead a better life witout the help of man by my side
Reading through your writing, I could relate to your experience, for I am also a silenced victim of rape by my mums brother. My mum told me I deserved it, for as what she can see, I asked for it. All because im gay. the world is such, it thinks the victims lure the rapist. I still can’t digest the nightmare, my screaming, blood, pain, mind telling stop, body reacting other wise. It took a while to channel my pain to my strength. And now im an engineer, independent, and off without my ex-family. I’m no longer someones bane,dirt,disgrace or failure. My uncle has passed away since, and so with him my ties with my family. I live for me and enjoy every moment. I still paranoid and scared and terrified, but i learned to focus myself to other things. May you find peace and success as well. Bless you.
When i read this i feel ashamed for what men did to her. As a family member who dishonored her till her childhood friend who make use of her. Whether or not this experience is true I won’t be judgmental but for this person courage to continue her life and wanted to succeed to help the others. I salute you. May you be strong, experience teaches you a valuable lesson and it makes you stronger. God has plan for you as this world is not infested with only sick fucks who want only sexual pleasure. You will find the life you wanted and I will pray for you. All the best and be strong…